Picture-Perfect Mess
You never really know what goes on behind the scenes. Oh, how this rings so true. Moments after I reposted an Instagram story Annenberg had put up of the article USC News, published titled “Trojans Skyler Pak and Taylor Contarino take #WeAreListening to heart,” I laid in a pitch black room for an hour just praying my migraine would subside. I put my ice hat on and finally just let it all out.
ACCSA president, Annenberg ambassador, Peaks and Professors trip lead, deputy chief copy editor, podcast host and producer, double-major student: These are all labels that can be used to describe me. I choose to do all of these because I love them. But this doesn’t mean it’s not a lot to handle. I also expect nothing less than straight A’s from myself and do things like sign up for half-marathons on a whim. As I write this, I’m staring at multiple volumes of Adam Smith’s The Wealth of Nations which I’ll be reading thousands of pages of during the next few weeks to write a paper on.
All this is to say that it’s a lot, and I’m burnt out. Each day, I wake up at the break of dawn to go to the gym, and then I get some work in before classes begin. I put on a smile as I go through classes, meetings, work, and events. I drink a ton of caffeine because of how groggy all my meds make me feel –– which my neurologist recently cautioned against, as my particular caffeine consumption apparently heightens the pain. And when the pain gets unbearable, I take this nice little pill that promptly puts me to sleep and is basically out of service for the rest of the day. After which I feel guilty for not getting enough work done and often overdue it the next day. Nice little cycle, isn’t it?
Anyways, I’m writing this because I think we shouldn’t have always to put this shield in front of ourselves. Instead of pushing through the pain, we can lower it and ask for help. Last night, it took a hyperventilating-breakdown and my sister sending a text on my phone to ask for a day off, but it’s the first step, right? I’m terrified of putting this out into the world because of how raw and honest it is, but I’m going to hold myself accountable and I hope this helps at least one person in the process. Because it’s more than okay not to have it together all the time, I certainly do not.
“Love yourself as much as you love others” is how my mom ended a conversation with me the other day. Such a simple but loaded phrase, and I quite honestly don’t think I’ve gotten there yet. But I know that by setting boundaries, standing up for myself, being mindful of health concerns and putting myself first, I’ll get closer.
